Sunday, February 26, 2006


another person i used to know very very long back passed away last month.
and she too commited suicide...a very talented and bright girl and very beautiful and warm as is evident from her friend's tribute to her. she it seems was suffering from bi polar disorder.

and it made me think and feel responsible for the countless people around us who are suffering from many painful mental illnesses that go un noticed...more so in our country
and even those who care for the person concerned are sometimes not able to help the person because they don't know enough...
and when we try to push what could be depression (to be brave or even worse thinking about people's ridicule ) aren't we doing a grave injustice...

about meeto ...i didn't know her much...though she was a fairly important part of my childhood -then as she seemed to live a fairytale life as compared to us and some of us were very jealous of her...
but also in awe as she seemed to know so much more and all the teachers seemed to love her more...
if i may say so now and even if it doesn't make sense...i wish they had given you even more love and i hope the colours in your life were more brighter and warmer than i could have ever imagined...i am sure you deserved all that and more ...i am sure you meant a lot to your friends and i am sure you will always be that beautiful and smiling face in their heart and a part of their prayers and victories throughout their lives...

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A young girl's death and many questions

i left out suicide in the heading ...does it make it any less titilliating...
this is about kuljeet's suicide
and before i continue i will admit and confess that i am guilty of all that i write here too...

i have also been indifferent and dismissive and have told myself and others many times that it is not worth making an issue of ...
like for example how media trivilaises each and every issue!! And have i ever raised this issue before in my mind forget into a discussion, a letter to editor or even in my blog. Have i really cared so much before it touched my heart and created a disturbance in my mind space?

Mid Day and scores of other papers have covered and thankfully in not as much detail as nafeesa joseph's death but have anyway gotten as much mileage that they could have got from this.

1. first they want to know why the boyfriend is absconding ,was he a bastard, did he say horrible things to her, why wasn't he at the funeral? we want answers to all of that so that we can quickly (instant noodles and instant emotions which means hunger over humane duty also over...that's us!!) sympathise with the poor girl and call the boyfriend a bastard and then get on with our lives ... and he is a bastard and we are not???
i am not advocating a morbid fascination and obession with death and suicide but.. But why don't we don't want to know (whether we are men or women and at whatever age) what made that poor girl a poor girl...not just one fight with boyfriend at the age of 29 has killed her...the causes must have been in her life forever...and what makes that boy a bastard...we do!!! we teach the boys to be insensitive as sons, friends, boyfriends and super heroes (saif in salaam namaste is cute and poor thing though nothing expalins his stupidity at the age of 30 when he can't understand that a woman has more needs than a chocolate ice cream) ...oh and i must underline the fact again and again that this post is not about Kuljeet and her boyfriend...i don't want to know the specifics and i don't want to blame her or him and i don't think the incident is exciting at all....
coming back to a relationship gone awry who tells a girl that a nice man will solve all her pain and loneliness away we do!!!!
and are we assuming that she is getting into a relatiosnhip with a shrink who doesn't have any problems of his own? and what is that pain and loneliness that she is not taught to resolve on her own? is valentines day actually just another day for fun and frolic..what about the pressure it puts on the single people...are the hindi films just mindless timepass? don't they become a part of our dreams and desires and life even after we walk out of the hall?

2. The wave of sympathy that is flowing in the city till another thing that is making me puke ...poor single women alone in the city so sad so about something more constructive than pity for once...

3. media frenzy: papers have gone ahaed and published the pictures of the building that she used to stay circling the very house...why? why? why? did she kill herself because the architecture of the house was faulty? haven't we made it difficult now to rent the house out becasue a whole lot of us are not comfy sharing our life with an unhappy soul...well to those losers...her soul is not really enthusiaistic about sharing that space with morons like you, so there!!!
and at a macro level as it is sooo difficult to get a rented flat in the city if you are single person...well if you are a guy you are just irresposnible and destructive at the worst but god forbid if you are a girl then you are totally looney and a slut...otherwise you would have been married by now!!!! haven't we again put that fear back again the minds of those idiotic landlords? thanks very much!!!! and those who think that i am hyperventllating please read this
also those who want some mouthwatering gossip on looney single women-respectably married women commit more suicides than single women...does that say anything about the magical security men provide women...

they also have interviewed some random co actor of hers and published a story (half page) who didn't like her much and didn't interact with her much and therefore did not attend the funeral- so are we not allowed to dislike people? and are we to assume that this man is a bastard too? would it matter to her soul if he didn't but we HAVE to know all of that and more with our marie biscuits and chai...very very important...

i will write more...i sure haven't finished....

Monday, February 13, 2006

For Kuljeet

You forgot to will them,
but we still claim them-those days,
moments...from your life.
we are keeping those for ourselves
- a polite, brief smile,
a united prayer,
a helpless fit of laughter,
moaning about a pimple,
raising eyebrows and lamenting over that jerk,
a smiley for a sms.
Those days when your dreams swelled my heart too,
When your pain fit my hanky too,
When your fears mirrored mine.
And it hasn’t finished or stopped Kuljeet.
Still my sighs over the moonlit sea or a new shoe,
An argument with some very familiar pain or fear
Will hold you.
Don’t worry, no one will take your name away from your favourite song.
Don’t worry,
Hide,rest and watch us if you want to for the next 40 days
Come back then
And we will fight again.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

And he said
" You know
what you look like in the mirror doesn't interest me that much
but the mirror in your eyes
that allows me to look tall some days
make a fool of myself...
making me laugh at myself
or sometimes just lets me see myself with no additions or subtractions,
that mirror, N, I claim as mine."


Main ab us pagal ladki ko kya samjhaaoon
Kamre ki khidkiyan kas ke band kar lene ke bawajood
Parde ke peeche us adkhuli (half open) jagah se to dhoop andar aati hai
Aur apna ek tukda chun kar pasar jaati hai!
Muffler jitna bhi kas ke kaano par lapeto
Thandi hawa dil mein jo bhi gubbar bhar ke laati hai
Sab kucch keh sun kar hi talti hai.
Phir yeh ladki kyun apne ko bewaquoof banaane ka khel khela karti hai?

* I might be in Mumbai par dil ke mausam dilli ke rang dikhaate hain